Help for Troubled Marriages
First realize every marriage goes through trouble. Marriages are made up of imperfect people who make mistakes and do things that can be hurtful even to those they love. Just because you are going through some troubled waters doesn’t mean your marriage is doomed. Husbands and wives have had to work through family and marriage problems since the garden of Eden. Couples who have strong marriages and stay together don’t have fewer problems, they are committed to working through and resolving the problems.
Here are some helpful hints for troubled marriages:
1. Recognize the real source of the trouble. Your spouse is not the problem. We don’t wrestle with flesh and blood. (Ephesians 6:12) The enemy may be using your spouse to try and create strife and division in your relationship, but regardless of how you may feel it is not your spouse. Direct your aggression against the devil and not your spouse. This one hint often is enough to turn a situation around if you are able to step back and recognize the real source of the trouble.
2. Keep hope. No matter how difficult the situation may seem, don’t lose hope. While there are many things that can destroy a marriage, hopelessness is often the factor that pushes people over the edge. Hope is like a transfusion for someone who has lost a great deal of blood, if there is not a quick infusion of hope, the marriage will die, and there will be nothing left to work on. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life. ” Proverbs 13:12 (NKJV) Therefore, one of the most important steps in turning a troubled marriage around is to rebuild hope as quickly as possible.
3. Confirm and affirm the value of your relationship. The enemy works hard to create strife and division in your relationship. He wants to make you believe your relationship is not worth saving or worth the effort needed to resolve the problem. Your relationship has great value even if the trouble seems overwhelming. Don’t demean and devalue your spouse or relationship. Instead, intentionally begin to appreciate what you have. Remind yourself of the good times and the positives. What you appreciate goes up in value. Make up your mind to reaffirm the value of your relationship.
4. Commit to work through the healing process. Today even among Christians the commitment level is often not sufficient to see couples through tough times. This means that you both need to sit down and have an honest conversation agreeing together that you want to work to resolve the problem. It takes two to tango, but also takes two to bring reconciliation.
5. Identify what is causing the trouble. You can’t fix a problem until you understand what needs to be fixed. Don’t ignore problems, or pretend they’re not there, or think they will just go away. You need to recognize there is a problem and identify it. Don’t identify the consequences or the results of the problem, identify the root of the problem and then begin to fix it.
6. Stop the blame game. Reconciling your marriage isn’t about who is right and who’s wrong or about winning. You won’t make any progress in resolving the trouble if you take that approach. So the next time you start to say something like, “but you did this” or “you never that”, stop yourself. Those type of comments lead nowhere. In the same way, it’s useless to think in terms of, “if only I’d done this” or “it’s my fault that she did that”. Just don’t go there.
7. Walk in humility. This can be tough. The flesh doesn’t like it and will try to resist going that direction. It takes faith – walking by faith and not sight. (not by how we feel or what we see)(2 Corinthians 5:7) Ephesians 4:2 says, “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.” Walking in humility means a willingness to forgive and to say “I am sorry” and/or “I was wrong” even if you don’t believe you were. Being right is not always worth it. God resist the proud but gives grace to the humble. Choosing to forgive and keeping a spirit of humility will unlock the floodgates of God’s grace.
Put these seven “hints” to work in your relationship and watch the spirit of God go to work to bringing healing and reconciliation into your marriage.
These seven hints will work in 80% of the problems facing marriages. However, if you are in a relationship where there is substance abuse, mental illness, physical or sexual abuse or any other behaviors or situation that threaten your safety or that of your children, please seek professional help immediately. These are not simple issues and need the additional help and intervention of those who have the training to properly intervene.