How to heal broken relationships – resolving conflict part 3
BEING A PEACEMAKER
How to Resolve Conflict – Part 3 of 3
“How to Heal Broken Relationships”
Joseph Sold into Slavery by His Brothers
One of the most powerful stories in the Bible about healing broken relationships is that of Joseph and his brothers. Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers for 20 pieces of silver at the age of 17. They tell Jacob their father, that he was killed by a wild beast. For the next 25 years, Joseph goes from the pit to prison to the palace. Ultimately the Pharaoh of Egypt promotes Joseph to second-in-command in all of Egypt. He is in a position of great power and favor. (Genesis 37-50)
Famine in the Land
A terrible famine comes upon the land and Jacob sends 10 of Joseph’s brothers to Egypt to buy grain so they don’t starve. They had no idea that their brother was in the position that he was in, in fact, they thought he was dead. The Bible says they came and bowed down before him with their faces to the earth. Joseph saw his brothers and recognized them, but he did not reveal himself.
Joseph Forgives His Brothers
When Joseph finally reveals himself, he treats his brothers kindly and forgives them for the terrible thing that they had done by selling him into slavery. Later, their father dies, and the brothers feared that Joseph would inflict revenge that he had been withholding. Revenge was the last thing on his mind. Joseph said to them, “Don’t be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives”. This is an incredible and moving story of the power of reconciling broken relationships.
Definition of Reconcile
To reconcile is to make right or to harmonize. Reconciliation involves different parties coming to the same position, and it always involves change. Obviously, if people who are in conflict are to be reconciled, there must be some kind of change, otherwise having a positive, loving, relationship will be impossible.
Love God – Love People
The most important thing in life is our relationships. In fact, Jesus gave us two commands centered on relationship, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39) Unresolved conflict destroys relationships and keeps us from being able to love God and love people.
A major key to resolving conflict is knowing how to reconcile broken relationships starting with our relationship with God. (Healing Broken Relationships is the 3rd skill needed to resolve conflicts – CLICK HERE for the first skill “How to Defusion the Situation” and CLICK HERE for the second skill “How to Resolve the Problem“) All mankind is in conflict with God, but Jesus made a way for us to be reconciled with God, to exchange our sinful, broken lives for forgiven, healed, and connected lives. It is a gift from God. No matter what you’ve done or where you come from you can be reconciled with God. You can’t pay for it, earn it, or deserve it. You simply have to receive it and be reconciled with God. Being reconciled with God is first and foremost. It is the foundation upon which reconciliation in other relationships can happen. (Ephesians 2:8) Reconciling relationships is really about healing. When relationships become broken, they need to be healed.
How are Broken Relationships healed?
Reconciling or fixing a broken relationship is simple, but it is definitely not easy. There are 4 keys to reconciling and healing relationships. Use these four keys and you will open the door to God’s love and healing power.
Trust God – He is the Healer
It takes courage and trust in God for a relationship to be healed. Pray and ask God for help. He is the healer we are not. He heals broken hearts if we allow Him to work. God has the answers to broken-down relationships – even to relationships that seem dead and hopeless. As a peacemaker, you must let God work by the power of the Holy Spirit. Put your complete trust in Him. Too often we are more willing to trust in anything or anybody rather than the Lord. Only God can bring true healing and reconciliation to pass – trust God to work in your relationship and watch Him work. This is exactly what Joseph did.
Have a spirit of Humility
This is huge and often is what trips most people up. Pride blocks the flow of God. James 4:6 says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble”. Being humble means you love and think about God and other people more than yourself. Selfishness is at the root of every broken relationship. We want things our way. I am not happy. My needs aren’t being met. She doesn’t understand me, etc. etc. It’s always me, me, me, me…
People often blame poor communication, financial problems, infidelity, or other issues as the reason for the conflict. These are just symptoms. If you just treat the symptoms and not the root problem lasting healing never happens. Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another” (NIV). (Colossians 3:12) “Be always humble, gentle, and patient. Show your love by being tolerant of one another. – Ephesians 4:2 Again, Joseph humbled himself even though he was in a position of great power and chose to prefer his family over his own revenge
Release the Power of Forgiveness.
Forgive and be forgiven. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate things. Reconciliation is not a requirement. It’s the desired outcome. However, forgiveness is required for reconciliation. True healing can only happen when the power of forgiveness is fully activated. Jesus said, For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15
To forgive someone who has wronged or hurt you is a decision. It is not contingent on the other person’s remorse or repentance. Often, we want people to pay for what they’ve done. We want to get even. We think they are getting off the hook if we forgive them. Unforgiveness is a spiritual cancer. You only hurt yourself by not forgiving.
Just as important is your decision to receive forgiveness. Often, we won’t forgive ourselves for what we’ve done. We don’t think we deserve to be forgiven and continue to beat ourselves up. As a peacemaker make peace with yourself. Let go of the past and move forward with God. Forgiveness is a powerful medicine that can quickly bring healing to a relationship. Joseph chose to forgive.
Have a willingness to Compromise (change)
Earlier when we defined what reconciliation is, we said it always includes change. Healthy relationships require compromise on a regular basis. Ultimatums lead to broken relationships. We are NOT talking about compromising the Word of God. You should never move away from Godly values. We should never compromise Godly principles, but we should be willing to compromise our preferences.
In fact, to resolve a difference requires someone or both to make a change. Biblical compromise shows wisdom and experience. If no one is willing to change – if the attitude is – “it’s my way or the highway” healing and reconciliation are impossible. There has to be a willingness to change. In fact, peacemakers offer to make a change in order to have peace. They don’t allow pride (see #2) to become a hindrance to peace in a relationship.
Summary
To resolve conflict there needs to be a peacemaker. Peacemakers need three skills – 1) Know how to defuse a situation; 2) Know how to resolve differences: and 3) Know how to reconcile relationships. We have covered and taught all 3 skills. Now apply these skills and help bring peace to a contentious strife-filled world. The world and the church need Godly peacemakers!19 principle
Work hard at living at peace with others. — 1 Peter 3:11 (NLT) Choose to show grace, which is defined as mercy, favor, and pardon. Jesus showed you and I grace rather than judgment when He died to pay the penalty for our sins. He says in Matthew 7:1-2: “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Trust the Lord to examine the heart and motives of those who may have hurt you and leave all judgment to Him. Be a peacemaker!